Best Keanu: “I knew you’d smell good.”

Best Diane: “It’s just soap.”

At first, you think Something’s Gotta Give ends the right way. But just when you think that you discover the movie isn’t over yet. There are another two minutes or so to go.

Why any woman, of any age, would choose Jack Nicholson, who treats her like crap, over Keanu Reeves, who treats her like a queen, is beyond me. But that’s the net result of this movie.

Something’s Gotta Give reminded me why I never liked “romantic” movies. At some point, I got the message they were all like this one: focused on boring, navel-gazing rich people you can’t relate to and don’t really give two fucks about. Plus, these movies tend to send pretty disturbing messages to women about what love should be, and what’s right — and wrong — about them, and how if they just fix themselves they’ll get whatever the movie tells them they should want.

Instead of trying to compose intelligent paragraphs about this movie, I’m just going to offer a list of random thoughts. I’ll follow that up with a couple of “but” thoughts, where I’ll retreat a little bit and give the movie back some of what I stripped away in criticism.

First thought: a much more interesting, and thoughtful, arc for the Diane Keaton character, Erica, would have been for her to acknowledge she’s refusing the advances of the Keanu character, Julian, because she doesn’t think she deserves to be treated as well as he treats her. The movie nicely sets this up: Julian is an immediate juxtaposition to the Nicholson character, Harry, a lecherous older man who reserves his advances for much younger, physically attractive women. Julian is a fan of Erica’s work. He’s kind, doting, and very taken with her.

But, no. Through a series of happenings, Harry ends up staying at Erica’s home to recover from his heart attack, for which Julian, a doctor, is treating him. There are jokes about Harry’s age. Erica is annoyed that she, somehow, got stuck taking care of a man she dislikes. But of course, this is “romantic” movieland, so Erica inexplicably changes her mind, decides Harry is charming, and they have sex.

This happens as Erica is navigating her romantic life post-divorce, which is implied to be non-existent. So after the sex, Erica is teary and says she basically thought that part of her life was over. Harry, who seemingly only copulated with her because she was convenient, doesn’t want any part of non-sexual intimacy. So Erica is suddenly in love and hurt, which results in a creative surge for the play she’s writing.

Wait, what? This makes absolutely no sense. Erica, where was your head just a few scenes ago? When Julian told you over dinner how he felt, when you pushed him away, for no good reason. And then you sleep with this jerk who’s taken over your house and tearfully thank him for showing you that your sexual life isn’t over? You had Julian right there. Right there to show you the exact same thing — except with kindness, and decency, and respect.

Of course, Something’s Gotta Give tries to make a point about aging, and presumably, that’s the attraction between Harry and Erica. Age gives them something in common. His character has to change over the course of the movie and learn that hey, women his age can also be sexy and fun to be with. But why does Erica have to sacrifice what could be best for her so he has the opportunity to change? Why does she owe him anything?

The sex scene between Harry and Erica goes on way, way, way, too long. I was so bored because I was so annoyed at the fact that this movie was forcing me to accept that “these characters have a real connection.” No, they don’t. He was bored. She was there. She doesn’t think the younger, attractive, kind, decent, respectful doctor could really be into her. So she decides she’s into the asshole instead of asking, is this really how I want someone to treat me?

Frances McDormand is in this movie too. I had no idea her character, Zoe, had any sexual orientation whatsoever, until I scanned the Wikipedia entry on Something’s Gotta Give, and found her described as a “lesbian feminist.” In the scene where Zoe runs into Julian at the farmer’s market after Erica stands him up for dinner because she is still obsessing over Harry (seriously, what the fuck, Erica), I thought, “hey, Zoe should get together with Julian. She’ll treat him better.” But apparently, although it’s not explicitly stated, Zoe is a “lesbian feminist,” and of course, we’ll have nothing that strays from this weird heteronormative romantic narrative we’ve got going on.

But that is a sign of the era of this film. Erica’s daughter Marin — played by Amanda Peet, whose character is a whole other box of “just what is everyone in this movie thinking”? — introduces Zoe to Harry as a Women’s Studies professor. The prevailing assumption at the time would have been that she would have also been a lesbian — no character has to say that outright; the filmmakers could just rely on the audience’s ability to stereotype.

(This actually brings back an old memory of mine, sitting in a Women’s Studies class, oh, probably at about the time of this film, if not a few years earlier. The professor talked about that lesbian-feminist stereotype. She herself was in a same-sex relationship. I distinctly remember a man in the class querying whether it wasn’t true that all feminists are lesbians. He said, “I noticed all of our readings are written by lesbians.” She responded, “a lesbian chose them.”)

Erica eventually gets Julian back, writes a play that makes fun of Harry, and then it’s six months later and everyone’s in Paris and somehow Harry still gets Erica at the end. We don’t see how Erica and Julian end it, except that she tells Harry that Julian said he could see she was still in love with him. So we can hope that Julian was the one who called it off, and didn’t waste his energy trying to convince her to stay.

Second thought: maybe Erica isn’t completely insane. Or at least, maybe she’s a true depiction of how dumb people are when it comes to love and sex. Being just plain dumb about sex is something endemic to all genders, after all. I’ve been there, where your stupid brain chemicals kick in and someone who is just plain bad for you and destined to hurt you still says words that up the ante on the sexual energy and what makes sense, what’s logical, what’s wise, just goes out the fucking window.

This happened to me when I was much, much younger than I am now. Now that I am older, I see it for what it was — fantastic and intense for the time. But I want something very different now. I want a relationship that’s quieter, more stable, one that’s deep and meaningful and loving.

In Something’s Gotta Give, it seems that’s exactly what Julian is offering Erica. I would think, not despite being older, but especially because she’s older, she should want that too. But apparently, she hasn’t gotten over her sex-dumb brain, which is sex-dumb on two counts: first, by making her choose the person who is unkind and disrespectful towards her. Second, by somehow telling her she’s more attracted to Jack Nicholson than Keanu Reeves.

To each their own, I guess. But let’s end this on a positive note, with Diane Keaton and Keanu Reeves at the 2020 Oscars, where they do a bit of awards show reflecting on this not-quite-a-gem from their cinematic pasts.

(April 2022)

[Note: This movie showed up on Netflix this summer and upon reflection I reduced the star rating from 3.5 to 3. There’s a specific reason for this. After Harry has his heart attack and ends up staying at Erica’s home, the house is populated with his handlers, plus Erica’s sister, daughter, and ex-husband/creative partner. When Erica finds out everyone is leaving, she protests to her daughter and ex. Of course, this is a movie, and it’s designed to set up the scenario that has Erica and Harry alone together overnight. But I have a mother and a sister. If either one of them, or my ex, asked me not to leave them alone with a brutish, misogynistic man they barely knew, I would not leave them alone. That scene is just another example of how this movie has not held up well. But then again, at no time in my life — even in 2003 — would I have left. (August 2023)]