Best Keanu: “Drugs? I don’t do drugs.”

The 80s were awful. I’ll have no 80s nostalgia here, especially not after spending some of the longest 90 minutes I’ll ever spend watching The Night Before.

This movie was so bad, that by the end of it, I didn’t just feel bad for Keanu having his name attached to it for all time. I felt bad for Lori Loughlin. Yeah, so, you bought your daughters’ way into USC and all. But, on the other hand, you also have to live with the fact that you starred in The Night Before. Forever.

Keanu and Lori, I am sorry that this movie is so easy to stream on Amazon Prime. But the good news is that few people will probably ever bother, unless they have a particular affinity for movies that embody everything that was wrong with the 1980s.

Just think, in 1988, people made the effort to go to a theatre, wait in line, buy a ticket, wait in another line, buy soda and popcorn, find seats, and sit through previews, just to watch this movie. This movie — not any of the other movies released in 1988 that had some redeeming qualities.

And given the era, when it was over, people probably said, “yeah, that was ok.”

Instead of what it actually is: racist, homophobic, misogynistic, and not at all fun.

I was 14 in 1988, and I remember 14 as being the first period in my life that I experienced real misery. I imagine I had turned some of that homophobia and misogyny inward. The racism, I am sure I have perpetuated, a truth I’m trying to repair on an ongoing basis.

These are very real things. When Lori and Keanu go into a “bad” bar, afraid they are going to be murdered, their fear is justified because, why? What makes the audience think they are in a bad part of town, in a rough bar? That’s right — they’re surrounded by black people.

When Keanu is lost — at one of several points in this movie — and makes a phone call, he’s approached by a man who motions to unbutton his shirt, asking him if he wants to party. It’s clearly meant to invoke fear, the sexual advance not only by a random stranger, but a male stranger.

Lori is sold to a pimp, by Keanu, because of a silly misunderstanding! It’s all part of this film’s crazy hijinx. She ends up handcuffed to a bed in her bra and underwear, having been sold a couple of times, from one pimp to another. When Keanu tracks her down, and finds her in this predicament, she’s waiting for her new “owner” to transport her to Morocco. He asks if she has any clothes. She says no — because all that’s on hand is a tube top and vinyl skirt, and she can’t possibly wear vinyl.

I am sorry, Lori and Keanu. I am so, so, sorry. The 80s were awful.

Even more tragic, the band in that “rough” bar was in real life George Clinton and Bootsy Collins, two funk legends. The 1/2 star goes to them. I’m sorry to you too, funk legends, for having to be associated with this piece of absolute trash that should never have seen the light of day.

March 2022